Mental Health During The Plebiscite - A Letter
Recently we reached out to the LGBTQ+ people in our community and asked them how they were coping with the plebiscite and how it was affecting their mental health, (with the permission of the author) we would like to share one of the letters we received with you...
"So, a letter about my mental health during the plebiscite…. A bit of background I suppose. I have suffered from depression and anxiety issues since I was a child. A condition stemming from a troubled childhood. When I was 19, I tried to kill myself. A combination of issues left from childhood abuse and the internal shame over the fact that I felt wrong. I got help at that point, even though it was still a few years since I admitted even to myself that I was transgender. These days I am generally on a much more even keel. I have low points every now and then, but never to the extent of that big black hole that I used to live in.
Earlier this year, I began coming out as trans. I told my mum, my nan, found a gender therapist and a support group for Female to Male trans people. The process of slowly transitioning, at least socially, has been incredibly calming.
One of the hardest things to deal with when I was sorting out my feelings about being trans and what that would mean for my life was the fact that I wouldn’t be allowed to get married. Ever since I was a small child, I always held the dream of getting married to the person I fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Over time that dream changed bit by bit- I believe at some point in my childhood I may have signed a contract with my dad saying I’d get married in his backyard (I was eight, and apparently a bit stupid)- but back when I still thought of myself as ‘female’ I was straight. Now, I identify as a gay male, and that has wiped away the dream I had of having a stable, married life.
Then came the plebiscite. Instead of having a simple vote in parliament, the government decided that the entire country could vote on my right to marry. And because of the way the No supporters have attacked us, they aren’t just saying people should vote no- there have been ads saying that gay marriage would lead to children being taught about Trans people as part of the change, and that it would be damaging to their kids. The idea that I could be a threat to someone’s child hurts deeply- just because I know its not true doesn’t change the fact that as I come out, it has become persistently clear that people will see me as a threat, whether that be to their child, their ability to use the bathroom, or anything else they can think of.
I have vacillated back and forth between joy, righteousness, depression, anxiety and fear since the plebiscite started. The joy of seeing others support the LGBT+ community, the sense of fierceness when arguing for our rights, of going to the rallies and fighting for them have been amazing. But at the same time, a lot of things have happened that are depressing and scary. The fact that I am not out to all of my family means that they don’t censor themselves around me. One some levels this can be great- my aunt and uncle, or my brother and sister-in-law matter of factly announcing that they voted yes and support our community was incredible- but on others it can tear me apart. My cousin sharing video’s on facebook about how trans people are just ‘gender appropriating’, my paternal grandmother saying that people like me would somehow invalidate the institution of marriage, people at work having conversations that never quite end with them saying they are disgusted by us, but they have that same look of contempt on their face that they would if they had just come out with it.
Some days, its all that I can do to get out of bed- the world feels overwhelming, and it feels like I am swimming against the tide. And I don’t feel like I am doing very well with it. Other people should not have the right to say whether or not my being trans or being gay is ok or not. And the fact that they have been given the chance to do so makes me feel like a second class citizen, like I am somehow lesser.
The current state of my mental health- I would classify it as survival mode. I avoid people, including my family, who I perceive as a threat. I work from home, rather than going into the office. And when I do spend time with people its people who are supportive- my mum, my brothers, people from my support group and some cool people I met at the rally for same sex marriage in September. And it helps, at least to keep me afloat. And if the vote is successful, it will be amazing, but I feel like it won’t be the end. We still have to make it through a parliament vote- and there will be no guarantee of that vote following the trend of the first one.
But at the end of the day it comes down to my choice- I will not stop fighting, for my rights, or for myself. I will never allow myself to go back down the path I did in my teens, and the knowledge that however many people there might be who oppose us, there are a lot of people in this country who support us. And every little bit of the fight that I am part of can change the world. There is a lot of power in that, and in knowing that however bad things might be now, they were worse 20 years ago, and in 20 years from now they will be better still. And I have to cling to that."
-Anonymous
